02-26-19
When Death Cab for Cutie’s Narrow Stairs came out in 2008, I was about as tangled up in my own world and drama as I ever had been. Overly consumed with the prospect of chasing fleeting moments of euphoria instead of taking stock in what I indeed was growing to represent. This manner in which I had decided to live my life came with its fair share of trials and tribulations, yet I never seemed to put two-and-two together.
I was caught in a cycle of being perpetually torn between two people, and all of us were leagues away from being healthy enough for intimate relationships. One I felt emotionally bound to, and the other represented the potential at something better. I was caught in a yo-yo effect, when I was with one their desired for me seemed to immediately wane, until I was no longer with them but with another. I was too much in the thick of it to even notice what was going on, despite it being glaringly obvious. I would tell myself that I was still standing true to my values because“I’m not technically with , so it’s not cheating.” Yes, and it’s still a shitty thing to do with people’s emotions.
That summer I was traveling, trying to begin a professional career. When I went to start my trip, I was convinced by one of my oscillating paramours to allow her to drive me to the airport. I thought it was strange that she wanted to do that, but I needed a ride all the same, so I relented. It was on that ride that she told me how she finally listened to “that one Death Cutie band,” I had always been talking about, and she had come across the song Cath.
At that moment it felt like the worst timing in the world; I know now it was happening at the exact moment it needed to. She blankly looks out at the road, and she began to let out every feeling this song brought out for her. How she had sought security in a relationship just for the sake of security and not necessarily a loving connection. I liked to say I was crestfallen, but truthfully I knew this conversation was coming—it didn’t take the sting out of it. I hated contributing to another person’s feeling of submission. I know now that I didn’t put her in that position, and ultimately no manner in which I would have responded to the situation would ever have made it end any differently…maybe better, but it would have ended all the same.
At the time I mourned the loss of the dreams we had held, but it didn’t take long for me to realize they were never “our” dreams to begin with. We were both trying to live up to unrealistic expectations of ourselves.
Lyrics:
[Verse 1]
Cath, she stands with a well-intentioned man
But she can’t relax with his hand on the small of her back
And as the flash bulbs burst
She holds a smile like someone would hold a crying child
[Chorus]
And soon everybody will ask what became of you
‘Cause your heart was dying fast, and you didn’t know what to do
[Verse 2]
Cath, it seems that you live in someone else’s dream
In a hand-me-down wedding dress
Where the things that could have been are oppressed
But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more
[Chorus]
And soon everybody will ask what became of you
‘Cause your heart was dying fast, and you didn’t know what to do
[Outro]
The whispers that it won’t last roll up and down the pews
But if their hearts were dying that fast
They’d have done the same as you
And I’d have done the same as you
02-26-19
When Death Cab for Cutie’s Narrow Stairs came out in 2008, I was about as tangled up in my own world and drama as I ever had been. Overly consumed with the prospect of chasing fleeting moments of euphoria instead of taking stock in what I indeed was growing to represent. This manner in which I had decided to live my life came with its fair share of trials and tribulations, yet I never seemed to put two-and-two together.
I was caught in a cycle of being perpetually torn between two people, and all of us were leagues away from being healthy enough for intimate relationships. One I felt emotionally bound to, and the other represented the potential at something better. I was caught in a yo-yo effect, when I was with one their desired for me seemed to immediately wane, until I was no longer with them but with another. I was too much in the thick of it to even notice what was going on, despite it being glaringly obvious. I would tell myself that I was still standing true to my values because “I’m not technically with , so it’s not cheating.” Yes, and it’s still a shitty thing to do with people’s emotions.
That summer I was traveling, trying to begin a professional career. When I went to start my trip, I was convinced by one of my oscillating paramours to allow her to drive me to the airport. I thought it was strange that she wanted to do that, but I needed a ride all the same, so I relented. It was on that ride that she told me how she finally listened to “that one Death Cutie band,” I had always been talking about, and she had come across the song Cath.
At that moment it felt like the worst timing in the world; I know now it was happening at the exact moment it needed to. She blankly looks out at the road, and she began to let out every feeling this song brought out for her. How she had sought security in a relationship just for the sake of security and not necessarily a loving connection. I liked to say I was crestfallen, but truthfully I knew this conversation was coming—it didn’t take the sting out of it. I hated contributing to another person’s feeling of submission. I know now that I didn’t put her in that position, and ultimately no manner in which I would have responded to the situation would ever have made it end any differently…maybe better, but it would have ended all the same.
At the time I mourned the loss of the dreams we had held, but it didn’t take long for me to realize they were never “our” dreams to begin with. We were both trying to live up to unrealistic expectations of ourselves.
Lyrics:
[Verse 1]
Cath, she stands with a well-intentioned man
But she can’t relax with his hand on the small of her back
And as the flash bulbs burst
She holds a smile like someone would hold a crying child
[Chorus]
And soon everybody will ask what became of you
‘Cause your heart was dying fast, and you didn’t know what to do
[Verse 2]
Cath, it seems that you live in someone else’s dream
In a hand-me-down wedding dress
Where the things that could have been are oppressed
But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more
[Chorus]
And soon everybody will ask what became of you
‘Cause your heart was dying fast, and you didn’t know what to do
[Outro]
The whispers that it won’t last roll up and down the pews
But if their hearts were dying that fast
They’d have done the same as you
And I’d have done the same as you