2-20-19
Emotions stay with us long after the moments we think they would/should leave. To have your trust violated is something that you could carry with you in every interaction after that point no matter who or what it is. Inversely our emotions for things and people that are permanently lost stay with us long after our last encounter.
Trust is a concept that at its core should transcend generations. We trust that the foundations in which we’re building our lives are set on sturdy ground built by our ancestors. This trust is more closely tied to faith, and yet there are so many people throughout time that have maintained relationships with their departed loved ones. A rationally minded individual would say that these relationships are emotional crutches of those still processing grief, and yet I don’t believe this is necessarily true.
I believe in a deeper more profound interconnectedness that binds everything together, a “source force.” When we depart these corporeal forms, our essence is given back to the source to contribute to the ongoing propagation of shared existence. This belief allows for a multitude of unexplainable circumstances, such as being able to commune with our departed loved ones.
Our bodies are but a means of interpreting information of existence. With them, we are allowed the ability to operate and “live” within the world as we do. When we die, I don’t believe that it’s immediately over, the universe has shown us there are more wondrous things out there for existence to end simply at the moment of death. This isn’t to imply a “heaven,” or “hell” or even a “purgatory;” these concepts are too primary for them to make sense, and ultimately, they only exist under the auspice that we (earth) are the center of creation, something we know well enough not to be true.
Going back to trust, its power and strength in being able to sustain itself even through death allow us an ability to search within ourselves for the strength of our family, and those who have supported us. When listening to Transistor Radio, by Cloud Cult, I am brought to moments between extreme grief and acceptance. Those fleeting few seconds where the weight of both come crashing down, drowning almost every other emotion and thought. In that moment, I feel extreme elation at the endless possibilities that exist, and I trust that it will all work out as long as I can continue moving forward.
I trust that my ancestors have watched and continue to watch over me. I know their presence isn’t to judge, nor is it to tell me how to live my life, but rather to give me a gentle nudge at times and finally enjoy some of the results of the lifelong efforts. Their spirits can help suggest different points of opportunity, but it isn’t there to direct our paths, just watch.
I never had a real relationship with either of my biological grandfathers. The only grandfather I knew, really, was a man that my paternal grandmother remarried. He was a character if there ever was one, and I appreciated the affection he showed in his adopted grandchildren. Our time together was brief and didn’t extend past my early adolescence, but I still am able to imagine the sensation of hearing him come through the radio. I also believe he would be the exact type of spirit to send me on a lifelong journey for no other reason but to see what would happen. If you’re reading this grandpa no that I had a few girlfriends, and despite your repeated recommendations to six-year-old me having more than one at one time isn’t an ideal situation. As I continue to age and discover more about my ancestry and where I come from, I slowly begin to see more and more of those ancestors that have always watched over me, even though I may never know who they are.
Lyrics:
I heard grandpa on my transistor radio,
Though he turned in his bones twenty years ago,
And he said, “Kid, theres something that I’d like to show you,
Get your things, its time for us to go”
So I grabbed my backpack, my flashlight, and a bag of caramel corn,
I got my bicycle, and the radio, and I had it on the road, I said
“I’m ready for what I’m about to see, Yup”
I headed north to rain that turned to snow
Through rusty towns and dusty gravel roads
And I said, “Grandpa, where is this thing you wanted to show me?”
He said, “Kid, you got a long way to go”
So I went through canyons, caves and catacombs, I sailed on bicycle boats
I slept in chapels and brothels, I met the nicest folks
I said, “I’m ready for what I’m about to see, Yup”
I heard grandpa on my transistor radio
He said, “Kid, its time for me to go,
And I know that there was something that I wanted to show you,
But its time for you to find it on your own.”
“Let me tell you about rage when a signal died that day,
Theres nothing out there and I don’t care; Its to take my life away
I’m not ready and I don’t want to see, Nope”
Its been years since I heard my transistor radio
Yet I keep going to where it seems I’m meant to go
And I finally realized what he wanted to show me
Where I’ve been, where I am, its the show
Where I’ve been, where I am, its the show
Where I’ve been, where I am, its the show