03-09-19
I remember first listening to this song when I was about 12 years old, the music is what pulled me in, and then David Gray’s voice began to find a specific key within me that I resonated with. For a solid year, it was one of the only albums I would play. It was a significant form of catharsis for me as I was slowly transitioning out of adolescence.
It was also at this time that my family and I made our 10th or 11th move, having left Michigan for California. At that point we had lived in Michigan for one of the most extended periods (3 ½ years), it had become home, and the friends I had made there were some of the closest I had ever developed up to that point in life. I had one friend, Sarah, she was a sweet soul and always compassionate towards me, even when others were not. Living in Michigan as a Hispanic child brings with it a certain struggle; it never registered as being a different existence, but it was. None of that registered for her, and it was in large part because she understood what it meant to be different too. Her childhood wasn’t great, and it left her in a precarious home life. Instead of growing resentful or angry (which would have been well warranted) she exuded warmth and empathy.
The day I told her that we were moving was sincerely one of the hardest times I ever had to perform that action. Her face looked as if I had pulled the rug out from under her. 12-year-old me wanted nothing more but to bring her with us—not in any romantic sense, but something more tender, (a concept that was still foreign to me,) I just wanted to help protect her. Alas, a child has limited means of support, and so I left, and she stayed.
Several years later she was able to find my new number and reached out. We were about 15 or 16 now. She told me all about her life now, and how she had been on this whirlwind tour of having to move from one family member to another, making jokes that she could empathize with me now having moved almost as many times. Her voice was still sweet, but what she talked about started to grow darker and darker. For a few hours each week I was able to provide a small amount of respite, we spent most the time talking about random comic books I was drawing, or music I was listening too… I knew that she was always trying to refocus the attention away from her, but I didn’t know how to change that, I didn’t know how to get her to open up more.
We developed this routine where we would talk regularly for a few months, and then with no warning, I wouldn’t hear from her again for a year or two. Flash-forward a few more years, and she manages to track down my number again. Things had only gotten worse for her, but there was relief in her voice once more as we began to talk more and more. So commenced our cycle again, only this time we were both a bit older and able to start trying to make plans to see one another. She had almost been able to make her way out to me when I got a lone text message that said she wasn’t allowed to anymore, and that she may not have a home soon. My parents could see the effects of this wearing down on me, and they knew it had to be a hundred times worse for her if half of what I had relayed to them was right. Without a second thought, my mom said, “we have a spare guest room, she can live with us, we’ll move her out and everything.”
I didn’t know what this would mean, but I knew that it was likely an opportunity she would want to take advantage of. I tried to for weeks to call her, but her number had been disconnected, and her emails all went unanswered. She had disappeared again, and this time I was afraid I would never hear from her again.
As I had already learned several years prior, I was still a child of limited means, there was only so much I could do, but that still did not stop me from feeling like I had let her down, that I had forsaken her in some way. It’s a shame that I may have not earned, but I wore it, and I wore it far longer than I ever should have. I’ll chalk it up as another byproduct of youthful naivete.
Lyrics:
Please forgive me
If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Help me out here
All my words are falling short
And there’s so much I want to say
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way
When you look at me that way
Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow
Moving out across the bay
Like a stone I fall into your eyes
Deep into that mystery
Deep into some mystery
I got half a mind to scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I won’t ever have to lose you girl
Won’t ever have to say goodbye
I won’t ever have to lie
Won’t ever have to say goodbye
Yeah na na na na
Yeah na na na na
Please forgive me
If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
It’s like my head is filled with lightning girl
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you